First I have to admit I feared this step. These character defects had become a way of life and I had thought that they defined who I was. Not to mention gave me every excuse to use people, places, and things to get what I felt I deserved. I was a great victim oriented person and knew how to victimize others. Thinking it was their fault for my actions. This is how, as the literature says, “most of all we harmed ourselves.” To live with the guilt and shame of our actions do to this warp way of thinking. Knowing we were living a life that had no real value because it was based on total self-centeredness. Making drugs a way to deal with my reality.
So the real question was am I entirely ready for this way of living to go away? The answer was, not sure. But I was tired of feeling the consequences of my self-centeredness. Then the bargaining started. I was with only these defects but there is no harm on keeping these. In truth I wanted to feel in control of some part of my life by rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, or maximizing, (denial at its best) any character defect to hold on to the past beliefs that I was a victim. But Narcotic Anonymous tells me I could find a new way of life. The only thing I have to change is EVERYTHING.
Complete surrender takes a lot of courage, which I get with faith in a higher power. So I need support from the fellowship, sponsor, sponsees (family and the ones I sponsor) and other members who are working a program of recovery. This goes back to open-mindedness to listen to others and becoming honest with myself. By looking to see if it is true or not, and if not sure go to my supporters and ask their advice. By doing so I am keeping with tradition 2 were it says “not one of us is capable of making good decisions on a regular basis.” Then become willing to practice acceptance and ask God to give me courage to act on a spiritual principle instead. This allows me to not be perfect, just human. Then I am able to align my will with my Higher Powers to work in my life.
I wound up liking this step even though I have fought it and wanted to deny a lot of character defects. But how it helped me is by dealing with reality with a solution oriented mind and spiritual principles; I make more loving decisions, with God in mind, that have a greater positive impact in my life. Life today is an experience and I do not have to run around asking why me, instead I can ask for courage and what am I to learn from this.