The last thing on my mind when I came in the door was to stay clean. After spending several months in jail east women, the judge told me that I could stay another 5 years or go to treatment…. So off I went. It took me a while to want to “want to” stay clean. The basic text and NA in Memphis was in its infancy, we received the gray manuscript in treatment, and it had not been published yet. I could feel the hope all around me but it was still a struggle to let go of the only way I knew to live. Even when I sort of made the decision that I would try this way of life I was pretty sure I was not going to be able to do it, failure was my middle name. That thought would plague me for many years but I kept coming back.
I have grown up in Narcotics Anonymous, from being a diehard NA purist, angry Mohawk crazy bitch, mother of an awesome daughter, college graduate, successful career woman, wife and mother to a great stepson to what I am today. Wouldn’t change any of it. There has been a lot of really good and really, really bad decisions along the way but I always knew you guys would be there when I was ready to ask for help.
Currently I have 33 years clean, over the years I have done a lot of the same things to stay clean. Going to meetings has kept me clean when nothing else could, talking to other addicts, service work and surrounding myself with this program has been invaluable. But what changed the person I am is the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. The first 5 showed me who I was and 6 through 12 guide me to be the person I can be. The one result of most of this that I recognize in my life is a dependent relationship with my higher power. Living the steps is completely changing my life and the person I am, having trust and faith and living in this moment is an adventure.
Always in Gratitude,